It gives you...


Erotica by Joe Tortuga

Warehouse 69: Season 1, Episode 03: Kinsey's Scale

(warehouse 69)

May 22, 2013

This is Episode 03, read the others here.

Unknown hotel room balcony, somewhere in the eastern US

Fareed looked out at the street below them.  “I don’t like it,” he said.

“You need a partner,” the other man said. Fareed scowled. “It’s safer, plus you have to admit you’ve needed help.”


“It wasn’t safer for—”

“I know.”

“The glasses show nothing,” Fareed said. “That bothers me.”

“Maybe she’s that balanced.”

“No one is that balanced,” Fareed said.

“She balances you, though.”  The man put his hand on Fareed’s shoulder.  “It’s too late to argue, Fareed. She’s already on her way there to get tested.”

“She’s already there?” Fareed said. “And I’m here?”

“You can catch her if you take this plane,” he said, holding it out to Fareed.

Fareed scowled and went inside to quickly gather his things. “One of these days—”

“But not today,” the man said.


At a Mysterious Warehouse in the Nevada Desert

Celine stepped out of the car and turned to look at her chauffeur, a young man sporting a sparse beard who answered to the name ‘Jax.’  He was kind of short — just under her height, actually.  He wore comfortable jeans and a tank top that showed off his muscles.  He exuded a comfortable masculinity that Celine found attractive.  He seemed young for an agent, though.

“This is where my posting is?” she said.  

“Yours and mine,” he said.  He pulled at his sparse beard.  “It’s bigger on the inside.”

“That’s what they all say,” Celine said.  She turned to face a small… shack was the best word she could come up with at the time. It was made out of tin sheeting, and while it might have been convincing as a warehouse if it were 10 or 12 times it size, as it was it looked too cramped for two employees, and judging by Jax here, there were at least three.

Jax unlocked the outside door, and stepped inside.  “It’s even smaller in here,” Celine said. “I didn’t think that was possible.” It was also dusty and tiny.

“Just wait,” Jax pushed a button on the side and the back wall split and turned sideways making a small hallway. “Behold the Oculus!”

“That does not look like an eye. Not even a cat’s eye.”  What it looked like was a giant purple vagina, slowly dilating open.

“Yeah, I think some dude named it,” Jax said.

“You are a dude,” Celine said.

“Thanks!” Jax smiled. “Not everyone notices.”  He nodded to the oval orifice. “I’ve had one of those all my life, and while mine is not neon purple, it is not an eye. If you know what I mean.”  Celine just laughed. “So we step through here; I know it’s your first time, but it can be a bit tingly.  If you go slow it won’t hurt a bit.”

Jax stepped through the opening, and Celine followed. There was a zap like static electricity and the scent of ozone, and they were in some kind of tunnel.

Celine arched her brow. “So what do you do here? Are you an agent?”

“I’m the caretaker,” he said.  “Someone has to be here all the time in case the artifacts start acting up, fucking each other or fucking with each other.  I do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

“Do your best?”

“Afraid so,” he said. “Something happens every few months or so, and Fareed and whoever clean it up. As far as I can tell, that’s the best anyone’s ever done.”

“How long has this place been around?”

“Decades, at least. Maybe longer,” Jax said. “Here we are.” They neared another purple ‘doorway’, and stepped through onto a balcony that overlooked a giant warehouse.

They were acres of shelves and artifacts below her. Somewhere in the distance Celine saw lightning.  “It’s a womb with a view!” she said.  Jax shook his head. Celine sniffed, and smelled something that smelled like a woman’s arousal. “Is that what I think I smell?”

Jax sniffed. “Yep, Warehouse is feeling girly today.  Must have heard about you.” He winked at her, and opened a door on his left.  Celine followed him into a large open office. “This is where we do the work,” he said.  “I’ll take your questionnaire and get it into the system. Meanwhile, you’ll be going through a couple tests.”


“Just things to quantify your chi, and figure out what susceptibilities and advantages you have based on various artifacts.  Usually it would also determine who your partner is, but that’ll be Fareed. He’s the only agent left.”


“It’s a dangerous but necessary job,” Jax said. “From what I’ve seen, you’ll be good at it, and good for him.  Now if you’ll follow me, we’ll get you on the Kinsey Scale.”

“I’m a 3,” she said.

“I know,” Jax said. “But after he did that, he was recruited by the Warehouse and he made a more complete grid.  We test for gender, attraction, dominance and submission, we can even suss out some of the more esoteric fetishes and kinks.  They told you there’d be no privacy on this job, right?”

“They did,” she said. Jax led her down a long hallway and into a large circular room.  There were wedges marked in the floor and several sconces all around the room — one for each wedge  Each had an object on it. Celine saw whips, more than one kind of dildo, a feather and a few things she didn’t immediately recognize.

Jax pulled out a pair of glasses, and put them on.  “Hmm, what they said was right, you don’t register at all.”

“Fareed had a pair of glasses like that in DC,” she said.

“Not just a pair,” Jax said. “These glasses. They belonged to Sir Elton John, and they are the best gaydar in the world.  They can also detect straight people and pure bisexuals.  But you don’t show up at all.  Hopefully the scale will work here.  Otherwise, it’s too unpredictable to be safe.”

“Okay, so what do I do?”

“You can stand or sit or kneel, or even walk around — whatever suits your desire. Most importantly, don’t touch any of the artifacts, you haven’t been trained on them or know what they’ll do.  That’s just a recipe for disaster.”

“Okay, seems simple enough.” Jax frowned.  “What?”

“Don’t say stuff like that. Just be careful, and patient. The more complicated your orientation, the longer the test can run.”

“No one ever accused me of being simple,” Celine said.

Jax smiled. “Nope, I didn’t think so.”  He closed the door and walked out.

~ o ~

Celine settled down cross-legged in the center circle. She breathed in slowly, finding her still point, and waiting for the test to start.  Soon, bright lights began flashing, as each of the different sections lit up, together or separately. She just kept breathing, and watching without judgment.  She also felt herself start getting hornier.

Her nipples hardened and pressed against the fabric of her bra.  She felt her pussy moisten and her cheeks flush.  She took deeper breaths and let them out as slowly as she could. Lights flashed and she realized she was surrounded by sex toys of every kind. Everything in that room had been used for sex or a sexual purpose. One of her hands slid between the buttons of her shirt, and under her bra.  She teased her hard nipple as the lights flashed.

Things stayed like that for a while. The hand on her nipple seemed to release some of the tension, so she just teased it mildly. Not enough to go on, but just enough to feel good. She was alone, so she slipped out of the bra.  That was a lot more comfortable, and let her cup her breasts in her hands.  It was hands now. Celine drew in her breath, and let it out slowly.  It seemed to be a bit more ragged than normal..

The test seemed to be taking some time. In fact, she wondered if she was supposed to get naked for this test. She was feeling warm enough that maybe taking off her top would help. She kicked off her shoes, and unbuttoned her top, shrugging it off. The cool air felt good on her tits.  Her left hand squeezed her nipple, and she let out a soft moan.

They hadn’t said not to do that, right? Just stay in this circle and don’t touch the artifacts, even if there were a few that looked really … fulfilling.  Her right hand slid inside her waistband. She was a sexual creature, after all.  Everyone at work knew that, although she’d never gotten naked at work and masturbated like she was doing now.  Well, except for that one time, but that was with the warehouse, and Margaret really needed to come.

So did she, right now. She unbuckled her belt to give her hand more room, and began moving it faster on her clit.  Vaguely she remembered her breathing, and watched as the room’s lights flickered around her.

~ o ~

Fareed’s plan landed on time, which was enough of a miracle. He made it out to the Warehouse and in no time flat he was in the main office.  Jax was working furiously, messing with monitors and flipping switches.  “What’s going on?” he demanded.

“See for yourself,” Jax said, turning a monitor so Fareed could see it.

Onscreen, he could see Celine pushing her pants and panties down so that she was completely naked.  One hand gripped her breast, and the other moved quickly over her sex.  “I don’t need to see this,” he said.  “Wait! She’s still on Kinsey’s Scale?”

“Yep, for the past three hours,” Jax said. “She was doing fine, but things have been slowly escalating. As you can see. She’s got a nice ass.  But then you know that, don’t you Fareed?”

“She should be out of there by now,” he said. “I knew there was something up with her.”

“Perhaps,” Jax said. “But neither of us knows what it is. It could take a while if she’s as … varied as you think.”

“If you’d actually paid attention to my reports, she wouldn’t be here,” Fareed said.

“You need a partner,” Jax replied.

“And the first thing I get to do is save her,” Fareed spat. “Can’t you get her out of that thing?”

“I’ve been trying,” Jax said. “Something is out of balance, and I’m locked out.”

“Have you tried bashing in the door?”

“I try for more subtlety than that.”

“I try for what works,” Fareed said, and rushed down the hallway to the entrance to the scale room.  The doors were locked, sealed — even the handles were gone.  He pushed against it, and hammered on it.

He yelled at Celine, but she didn’t hear him, or didn’t respond.

This was going to take a while. Hopefully he had a while to take.

~ o ~

Inside Celine worked her best magic on her pussy, and all it did was make her hornier.  The lights kept flickering, but nothing else seemed to be happening. Jax had said this test could take a while, and he’d said she had several tests. Maybe this one wasn’t the test she thought it was?

Focusing, she pushed herself up to where she was standing.  One hand stayed between her legs — she just couldn’t bring herself to leave her clit alone.  What was it Jax had said? She could sit or stand or walk around, but not touch any of the artifacts.  She moved out of the center, and started looking at the artifacts themselves..  One was the crop she’d found in New York.  Another was the jade collar.  There was a soft flogger, and several kinds of dildos.There was a plastic one that she recognized was the same shape and size of Ron Jeremy. Another was ivory, with intricate maze-like carvings on it.  There was an anal plug with a shining jewel, a feather dyed pink, purple and blue, and several other things.

They all seemed to have some sort of feel of power about them.  Or most of them did anyway.  She walked back around.  The ivory dildo — it wasn’t real, she was sure of it. Well, it was real, but it wasn’t one of these artifacts. So, she could touch it. More importantly, she realized, she could fuck it.  She grabbed it, the heft of it was wrong — it wasn’t made of ivory either.  She wasn’t sure what it was made from and didn’t care.  Instead of analyzing it, she slid it inside of her, her knees buckled, and she fell to the floor, fucking herself with it.

It felt wonderful — not better than any other dildo, or anything, just good to have something big and hard up inside of her.  She was so horny right now, she didn’t care. Plus she’d beat their test.

When Fareed bashed through the door, she was so lost in blissful orgasm, she didn’t even realize he was there.

~ o ~

Celine sat in the room, and Fareed gave her a glass of water.  Jax had shown up a minute later, and tossed a sheet over her, which she appreciated. “I thought I told you not to touch any of the artifacts,” he sa id.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have run this test without gloves and static bags around,” Fareed said.

“It’s perfectly safe,” Jax said. “I’ve run this test dozens of times!”

“Obviously not,” Fareed said. “The artifacts took over and look what happened.”

“I don’t know about you guys,” Celine said. “But I beat your fucking test, and I got a nice orgasm out of it too.”

“Beat the test?” Jax said.

“Yeah,” she said. “You said don’t touch any of the artifacts, so I found the one that wasn’t one.”  She held it up for him. “I don’t know what this is, but it’s not like the others — it’s fake.”

Fareed pulled on gloves. “Hand that here,”  she did.  “The Skrimshaw Dildo,” he said. “This thing is ancient.”

Jax reached out for it, and Fareed pulled it back, but not before Jax could touch it. “And completely fake,” Jax said.

“This thing was real,” Fareed said. “I checked it myself when, when Mara died.”

“It’s not real now,” Jax said.  He turned to Celine. “How did you know this wasn’t an artifact?”

“It feels different,” she said. “Can’t you tell?”

“No, nobody but the holder of an artifact can tell it’s not normal,” Fareed said.

“No one but the holder, and Celine here,” Jax said.  Fareed sighed. “I told you we needed her.”

Fareed nodded.  “Okay, I give up.” He turned to Celine and held out his hand. “Welcome to the Warehouse, partner.”  

She shook it.  “Thanks, partner.”


Joe Tortuga

Written by Joe Tortuga a bisexual dominant erotica writer and programmer (he/him). Follow me on Twitter