Sure, the world has gone to hell. All the dead rose from their graves, and people who die also seem to rise from their graves whether they’re buried or not. It’s a fucking shit-sandwich you’re forced to eat, and all the bread went bad two weeks after the Rising.
It’s been a year now, and we’re looking at another Zombie Yule. Maybe the crazies are right, and the world will un-end and go back to the way it was. Or maybe we should all just keep our rifles clean and practice our headshots. Either way there are zombies out there right now.
Now there are a few things still good in the world — your fellow survivors are among them, and there’s things you can do with them. I can tell by the giggling that some of you assholes have already figured out what this is about. So pipe down and listen — what I tell you today could save your miserable fucking lives, as sure as learning what to shoot and when to run.
So here’s the thing: there’s a light in the tunnel, because we are human. We’re social creatures, and we like being together. And while we’re facing down inexorable zombie hordes, our ancestors had survival problems, and that light got them through it all too.
And that light? Sex.
It feels good, it leaves you less stressed out and more focused. We’re mostly wired to enjoy it, and well — for those of you who are straight, anyway — it’s the only way we get more humans to fight the zombies. In the confines of the encampment, you can take your downtime however you want, but sometimes you’re on a long mission and things happen. I’m here to make sure you all know how to make them happen safely.
Back in the before-times, people thought that you could scare teens away from having sex by telling them what horrors will happen to them if they do. But you know what? Teens fucked anyway. So while there are horrors out there that will happen, let’s talk about how to make it not so bad.
Rule number one of sex is consent. You don’t like that, and want to go against it? Well, I’ve got a bullet with your brain’s name on it. We’ll shoot you then burn you like a zombie so you’ll never be a bother to us again. This is no joke, and I’m serious as I can be. There aren’t many people left in the world, I don’t want them to be misanthropic fucktwads.
Now, on to the tips.
First things first: Condoms and lube. You don’t want to get pregnant until you’re fucking ready, so use condoms. Most of ‘em have a shelf life of 3-5 years, and have been largely left behind by looters. They took the food, but not the condoms. They’ve got expiration dates on them, so check them out. You can get lube, too, although it has other uses so it might be harder to find. Don’t use oil based lubes with latex condoms! It breaks ‘em down until they’re fucking worthless and you’re pregnant and screwed both ways.
Second: Set up a lookout. You’ll be organizing into quads, make sure you really like your teammates, because two of ‘em will be watching you and watching out for you while you take your sex breaks. Screw privacy, zombies don’t care about your fucking privacy. If you want privacy, wait until you’re back in the camp, and then fuck. Same goes if you want a three- or four-some with your squad mates. Two of you should be on zombie watch all the fucking time. Clear?
Third: bondage. Now, this rule isn’t just for the field, but for anywhere you are. If you wanna be tied up, or you wanna tie someone up, you remember this rule: it’s got to be easy to get out of. You keep a knife handy, or you make it so there’s a quick-release. And you never, ever leave anyone behind because you tied them up. You don’t want to be some asshole tied to a bed when the zombies come. They’ve only got one word for that, and it’s “RrrrrrrRrrrg” which roughly translates to “Oh, look, someone left a chocolate mint-brain on our pillow, I’ll just eat that right up.” And if I hear of anyone doing this to anybody, see the note above about consent and bullets.
Now finally, there’s one other thing. There’s a few people talkin’ about how zombies were once “people”, and have “rights” like people do. Some of them got a boner for fucking zombies, which is to say, they are complete fucking idiots. I’ll tell you what happens if you get close enough to a zombie to have sex with it: it eats your fucking face. And then your brain, and then I’ve got to kill you when you come back as a zombie. That means I have to do actual work, and you know how much I hate that. So for the love of Christ, don’t fucking fuck zombies, all right?
There you go, then. The sex talk. Use condoms; have a lookout; and if you tie people up make sure they get fucking untied before a zombie comes. Even you lot should be able to figure that out.
Dismissed. This piece has more swearing than any other piece I’ve written, save one (which is unpublished). I figure anyone who gets to a place of leadership during a zombie apocalypse can say whatever the fuck they want, and probably will.